Esprit de l'escalier

Most people consider the moment you accept the Lord Jesus Christ as the most important time of your life. That is true, but along with that is another important moment in your life, the moment you realize how to grow in your Faith and increase in wisdom. Having knowledge is good, but having the wisdom to use that knowledge is better.
God has been showing me that I am not super woman and that I can’t do it all (let alone, do it all on my own). I’ve been learning to find my rest in Him and to open up to others. I’ve especially been learning self-disclosure. I’ve been learning to open up to those that I trust. Allowing myself to be humbled enough to cry out for help when I need it. And, as always, the Lord has been teaching me patience.

It has been said that there are no experiences which have not been felt before. That there is no un-tread ground. You think that your feelings and experiences are unique and that you are all alone, but apparently not. At this point in my life I wish desperately that I had a devotional or a book that could tell me what I am supposed to be doing. Some kind of autobiography or something written by someone who has been where I’m at now and could tell me where to go next. But I have found no such manual. It’s difficult to know what to do in certain situations when you have a hard time even explaining the situation itself. Could it be that I have found the untouched predicament? A point in life in which no one else has lived before? Is life really just a big landscape where people plant seeds of happening on the ground they have walked on to mark their path? I have come across untainted ground. People walk the same paths…but they wear different shoes. I make no mistake in thinking that I am special or unique. I know that I can find help in all sorts of places. What keeps me from doing it? Well, first of all, I have no idea where or how to begin to understand my confusion. I feel like I should be doing something bigger or finding something greater than what I have already found.
I hate to think that I ‘need’ anyone but the Lord. He’ll provide the comfort I need, right? Wrong. God has created man to seek companionship. What kind of companion would I be? This point in my life…this point of confusion…I have no idea if anyone else has walked this ground before. But I know I will not be treading it alone. I know that the Lord is with me…I will set aside my stubbornness and let Him help me through. Where do I go from here Lord? What do I do? Why can’t I hear Your voice? Or rather, why am I not listening? Why is it that I know what to do but I have such a hard time doing it?
The best word to describe these past few months is: weary. Time goes faster and there seems to be more and more that needs to get done. I feel as though my creative juices have been sucked out of me. My passion and inspiration have been nonexistent. Was I really meant to be a writer? What am I supposed to do with my life? What’s my purpose? I know that the women in the Bible asked themselves this same question. But their options were a bit more limited than mine. Not that I am not grateful. I just need guidance. Why is it so much easier to help other people sort out their life than it is to sort out your own? Could it be that other people know me better than I know myself?

http://www.mycastrovalley.com/

woot. woot.

I just got back from the Seattle Times office. That place is so amazing! I got to talk with reporters, get a tour of the whole office and see people in action. Well, almost. A lot of the reporters don’t get into the office until mid afternoon because they are up late the night before working on stuff. It’s a morning newspaper and deadlines are tight. *sigh* What an amazing career. *gazing off into the distance* Someday…yes, someday…I will have my own office. (a corner office with a lot of windows preferably…and my own name plate on the door…yea, that’d be cool.) My contact, Carol Pucci, writes for the travel section and her job has got to be the funnest job ever! Hours are nice, and she gets paid to go on trips, check stuff out, take her own pictures and write about how beautiful the place is. She also writes travel advice and such. And she can take her husband with her if she wants. How cool is that!
She’s super nice too…she gave me two office Seattle Times Reporter notebooks. The Seattle Times actually provides their reporters with an endless supply of conveniently sized notebooks. That’s amazing…I’m jealous. The Falcon needs to start doing that…I spend enough money on text books as it is. The least they can do is give me a stinkin’ notebook for notes and interviews.
Well, I guess it’s time to get back to reality.

I just finished a paper due in my next class (in about 15 minutes). So I thought I’d take these precious few moments to catch up.
I had a meeting with my manager at the bookstore this morning. Long story short…I’m taking a break from working Weds because the pressure is too heavy with having to work so late at The Falcon the night before. (There’s a lot more to this story, but for the sake of time, I’m keeping it brief).
Regarding the late night articles…I just want to say thank you to my best friend Loreanne…you message last night was just what I needed. I was under so much pressure with fighting deadlines and your call of encouragement was such a blessing. Thank you!
Another decision that has a huge story behind it and no time to elaborate is that I will not be living with my roommate of three years next year. *More on this later*

Well, time is up and I must be running again.

are you dead?
From: H*****, Greg
To: Me

It’s been a while since we’ve talked 😉 I actually saw you tonight in the library, but I was in a big hurry to get to a meeting. Sorry. But I hope everything has been going well for you this quarter. Have you decided what you’re doing next year yet? Are you still writing for the Falcon? I know how busy you get, so I kind of assume that’s why you haven’t shown your face on IM. Anyway, I’d love to hear from you if you get the chance. Blessings.

Greg

***I’m sure most people who know me are thinking the same thing. I miss my friends. *sob*

Need I say more? nope.

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/

P.S. The speaker at tonight’s lecture “The Naked Truth” (Upper Gwinn Commons at 7 p.m., was nominated March 2003: Jean Kilbourne was named honorary “heartless-bitch” by Heartless Bitch International for her pioneering work on the image of women and girls in advertising.

Went to work this morning. Once again I was there before my managers were and I stood out in the rain for about 10 minutes. It actually felt quite nice. Sometimes I like the light sprinkle of morning rain to wake me up.
I still hadn’t finished my huge paper due today when I clocked in. So I quickly counted a till and got on the phone to try and call a fill in so I could go back and work on my papers. Nobody was able to fill in. But thankfully, after a huge lecture, one of my managers let me off. So I walked away with a warning and word of caution that I’ll receive another lecture from my other manager on Weds.
Believe it or not, I love my job. But this past quarter things have been getting rocky and I haven’t been feeling as confident in my job security as I used to. Plus, recently we hired on a bunch of new “kiss-up, brown nosing” freshman that really make me look bad. To be honest I think it’s my pride that hurts the most. “I’m sorry managers, perhaps if you paid me more…then I could do like Stephie does and buy you your favorite Starbucks everyday.” Oh well, so it goes.

In other news…my paper still isn’t done. The End.

This has got to be the weirdest website I’ve seen since Yatta.

www.subservientchicken.com

check it out at your own risk. But if you do take a peek, ask him to riverdance…it’s hilarious.

In other news…I should be finishing an 8 – 10 page paper (worth 100 points of my grade) that’s due tomorrow. Sucks for me. In addition to that, I have a 1 page response to write on two chapters out of a book that I haven’t read yet. And I have to write a preliminary article that was due several hours ago. Then I have a truck load of other reading and several other responsibilities that I haven’t tended to yet. And all I really want to do right now is curl up in a ball in some corner and sleep undisturbed for a few hours. Well, that and I really want to fly home and be with my best friends. I could totally use some ‘REAL’ girl time with my sistas…(this shout out is to you Loreanne, Andrea and Natalie).

I’ve had an awesome weekend but I feel terrible because I kinda had to be a party pooper (a.k.a. semi-responsible, but not so affective academic instigator). It was Alex’s b-day weekend. His birthday was Friday and I wanted to make it special. I was going to rent Kill Bill v.1 and I had planned on making him dinner, watching KB v.1 and then taking him to see KB v.2 at this theater near his home town that he likes. Unfortunately, all the video stores were out of v.1 and we didn’t really want to see 2 when we hadn’t seen 1. So we spent a few hours pareusing the video place looking for some other movies to watch. I still was able to make him dinner even though I’m just about flat broke and hardly had money to grocery shop. Plus I wasn’t able to put as much time and effort into making his card as I had planned. But I still got it done.
The next day was Ashton formal. That was fun. We went with a bunch of his friends to this place called the Palacaids (sp?). It’s this super super nice formal restaurant with awesome food. I had the best salmon that I’ve ever tasted. And the desert was excellent as well. Then we walked around by the docks for a while and took pictures with his friend’s camera because the batteries in mine died. Then we went to the dance which was being held at the zoo (don’t ask, because I don’t know…) It was a nice dance room. They had fun music…but I was still feeling overwhelmed because I couldn’t stop thinking about all the stuff I had to do. (I still have six pages to go on this paper and then a response paper, yuck!). So we danced for a while. (Note: I’m so impressed…my date was so handsome and he can dance too!) We left the dance early and went back to my place so I could change and hit the books. I was still feeling pretty bad about killing the evening, so I turned on some music of my own and we danced for a while in my apartment. It was way better than in a stuffy room with all those people smooshed together. And I think my choice of music was a bit more suited to the mood. hehe. Anyhow, I got a bit more reading done and went to bed.
Then today I got up early (after having gone to bed pretty late) and read some more. Then went to church and then had a potluck at my prayer group leader’s house. Her home is so cute and their gardens are beautiful! The food was good and the fellowship was definitely something I was needing.
Then I came back around 3:30 and tried to get back to work. Alex came over and we had dinner and then I hit the books again. So here I am. The end.

Today was a pretty good day…until I got a scathing email from my Falcon adviser. boo! I probably deserved it though. I called and made personal apologies to the persons involved. *sigh* Very humbling…even though it wasn’t totally my fault. I need to learn that if I want something done right…more times than not, I have to do it myself.

P.S. Happy Birthday to one super handsome Alex! Yay!