Self Disclosure
Most people consider the moment you accept the Lord Jesus Christ as the most important time of your life. That is true, but along with that is another important moment in your life, the moment you realize how to grow in your Faith and increase in wisdom. Having knowledge is good, but having the wisdom to use that knowledge is better.
God has been showing me that I am not super woman and that I can’t do it all (let alone, do it all on my own). I’ve been learning to find my rest in Him and to open up to others. I’ve especially been learning self-disclosure. I’ve been learning to open up to those that I trust. Allowing myself to be humbled enough to cry out for help when I need it. And, as always, the Lord has been teaching me patience.
It has been said that there are no experiences which have not been felt before. That there is no un-tread ground. You think that your feelings and experiences are unique and that you are all alone, but apparently not. At this point in my life I wish desperately that I had a devotional or a book that could tell me what I am supposed to be doing. Some kind of autobiography or something written by someone who has been where I’m at now and could tell me where to go next. But I have found no such manual. It’s difficult to know what to do in certain situations when you have a hard time even explaining the situation itself. Could it be that I have found the untouched predicament? A point in life in which no one else has lived before? Is life really just a big landscape where people plant seeds of happening on the ground they have walked on to mark their path? I have come across untainted ground. People walk the same paths…but they wear different shoes. I make no mistake in thinking that I am special or unique. I know that I can find help in all sorts of places. What keeps me from doing it? Well, first of all, I have no idea where or how to begin to understand my confusion. I feel like I should be doing something bigger or finding something greater than what I have already found.
I hate to think that I ‘need’ anyone but the Lord. He’ll provide the comfort I need, right? Wrong. God has created man to seek companionship. What kind of companion would I be? This point in my life…this point of confusion…I have no idea if anyone else has walked this ground before. But I know I will not be treading it alone. I know that the Lord is with me…I will set aside my stubbornness and let Him help me through. Where do I go from here Lord? What do I do? Why can’t I hear Your voice? Or rather, why am I not listening? Why is it that I know what to do but I have such a hard time doing it?
The best word to describe these past few months is: weary. Time goes faster and there seems to be more and more that needs to get done. I feel as though my creative juices have been sucked out of me. My passion and inspiration have been nonexistent. Was I really meant to be a writer? What am I supposed to do with my life? What’s my purpose? I know that the women in the Bible asked themselves this same question. But their options were a bit more limited than mine. Not that I am not grateful. I just need guidance. Why is it so much easier to help other people sort out their life than it is to sort out your own? Could it be that other people know me better than I know myself?