Esprit de l'escalier

Once again I’m back at the in-law’s house, trying to get more work done. I think it’s fair to say at this point that I can’t work at home. There are just too many perks when working at the in-law’s place. 1. Accountability, 2. Free lunch, 3. Very few distractions, 4. Lots of space, 5. A smooth jazz station that we don’t get in Seattle. The only down side is the amount of time it takes to get here. Today, because of an accident on the 520, it took me two hours. Normally it takes about 45 min.
Tomorrow I think I might try working at the SPU library, just for old times sake. Otherwise, I might try the new Seattle library, but I want to scope it out next weekend before committing any work time there. Because Lord knows I would distract myself with wondering around looking out every window and checking out every book shelf. I think I work better in a familiar place.
In other news, the Beth Moore conference is this weekend. I’m pretty excited.
Also, I’m supposed to meet with a friend about a job opportunity. I hope all works out!

“So You Want to Be a Writer”
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200608u/writing-advice

This is an amazing, thought-provoking article. And it makes me wonder if I’m going in the right direction. With the comfort of marriage now safely on my resume, can I honestly say I am far removed from this possible scenario?

” To date, from all your writing, you have made perhaps five hundred dollars for two short stories and a travel article. To finance school and to write your novel you have lived meagerly with little encouragement and have risked the disapproval of your family, who have understandably said, “Here is this girl nearly thirty years old now, unmarried, without a job or a profession, still mooning away at her writing as if life were forever. Here goes her life through her fingers while she sits in cold rooms and grows stoop-shouldered over a typewriter.” So now, with your book finally in hand, you want desperately to have some harvest: a few good reviews, some critical attention, encouragement, royalties enough to let you live and go on writing…

You would like to be told that you are good and that all this difficulty and struggle and frustration will give way gradually or suddenly, preferably suddenly, to security, fame, confidence, the conviction of having worked well and faithfully to a good end and become someone important to the world.”

It’s a harsh reality and the other scenarios presented in the article are very different but equally pointed.
I suppose the reasons touched on in that piece are part of why I leaned toward journalism. Because the purpose was obvious and the sense of accomplishment was inevitable. Looking at it that way almost makes it seem too easy to be considered a form of writing.

On a brighter note, I’m currently waiting to hear back about a full-time jouralism position. I’m be writing articles for an on-line publication. It’d be a consistent paycheck and wouldn’t interfere with my current writing business. Seems promising. Keep me in your prayers!

Do you ever have those moments of complete and utter loss? Where you are just forced to stop and try to explain yourself. I hate those moments. I particularly dislike having to ever explain how I’m feeling, especially when I don’t know exactly what I’m feeling.

These past few weeks I think God has been corning me and forcing me to confront my purpose, that which gives me value. I’ve learned a lot in that time. I’ve learned that I can’t run a business on my own and that I don’t have the self discipline to be self-managed. And I can’t be by myself for too long. Otherwise I go crazy.
I want so bad to do something great, to write in a way that inspires people to look beyond themselves. I want to have a purpose that challenges and stretchs me and gives me a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. I want to work with people and develope a community. But right now I feel extremely displaced.

If this is a 12 step program, I think I can say I’ve achieved the first step. To acknowledge that I have a problem. haha. Of sorts. Identity crisis, maybe?

I am confident that I can call any temp agency and be hooked up with a mundane office job and do well. I would work with people and accomplish things. My only hesitation is that I would get absorbed in that and be too tired or unmotivated to pursue or develope the skills I have. I would get off track and loose sight of my passions. Most of all, I don’t want to settle.

I need guidance and direction. I need a mentor. I need a Yoda.

Do you have that feeling of accomplishment at the end of your work day? What drives you to do what you do?

This time last year, on this exact day, I picked up Jackie Chan and Jet Li from MEOW Cat Rescue. They were Kyle’s Christmas present to me. The sweetest kitties ever! In case you weren’t able to follow the story, Jack and Jet were both lost to forms of the corona virus.

Today I am happy to report that my kittens, Ricochet and Izabelle are healthy, happy and mischievous. Just the way I like them!

In other news, what are your thoughts about this trans fat ban? I’m still not sure what to think about it since I haven’t done much research yet. If it means helping the obesity situation in our country, then I think I’m all for it. But it also sounds like trying to ban smoking. The effort is there, but it will take a while.
I wonder if people will start going into withdrawal. hmmmm….

So, if you have MySpace and you keep up on the blogs…here’s where I thought I was going in talking about Barns and Noble.
Kyle and I were there last night to pick up a gift we ordered for his grandpa. Naturally, instead of making it an in and out trip, we lingered. As I was standing among all the great (and some not-so-great) books I was suddenly overwhelmed with a thought. All these books have writers behind them. “Well, duh.” I know it sounds stupid and obvious. But as a writer the thought was more of a revelation because the past few weeks I have been going stir crazy trying to work on my latest assignment for a client.

Initially I kind of blew off my insanity thinking, “It’s alright, I’m a newly wed, still getting settled into a routine, blah blah blah.” But that rational only worked for a few days. Then I started to question myself. “Am I really meant to be a writer, God? Is this where you want me? Am I strong enough?” I started going out more often and doing silly chores to make myself feel accomplished. For some reason I never feel like I’ve done anything until I’ve gone outside or driven somewhere. I can work really hard all day, but unless I’ve actually gone somewhere…I don’t feel like I’ve done anything. Needless to say…I’m now on a first name basis with some of the employees at Target, Starbucks and Bed, Bath and Beyond.

I’ve realized that I have two conflicting parts in my head. One that is dying to write and needs nothing more than a pad, pencil and endless source of chai to be happy. Then I have this other side that craves community and purpose. I know God has a purpose for me and that there is a wonderful balance of these things found in His plan for me. But for the love! Can’t He just tell me the plan? Give me a rough sketch on a napkin or something? I didn’t pray for patience, so I’m not convinced that a test is necessary right now.

Last night at the bookstore I tried to explain to Kyle what I was feeling, being surrounded by all the amazing work around me. “Kyle, all these books have writers. That means that for every book in this place, there was a person who confined themselves to a room and did nothing but write and concentrate and work…not talking to anybody for so long. That’s just amazing.”
Kyle – “Yeah.”
Me – “I tried doing that for the past few weeks and you saw what it did to me.”
Kyle – “Yeah.”
Me – “Do you understand what I’m saying?”
Kyle – “Yeah.”
Me – “Most of these people were in seclusion from friends, family, husbands…”
Kyle – “But I’m sure those people loved them enough to understand and support them in their work. They knew they had talent and wanted to see them pursue their dream.”

He makes it sound so easy and he has so much faith in me. I guess that’s one reason I love him so much.

I picked up a book by Jerry B. Jenkins that was his advice on “Writing with Soul,” or something like that. He was explaining to young writers how to be great. I’ll be honest, I’ve never really been a fan of the Left Behind series, but I think that’s mostly because I don’t usually like any Christian or faith-based writing done after the time of C.S. Lewis, George MacDonald or the great theologians that preceded them. I do like some authors, but I’m very picky and skeptical.

Anyways, I picked up this book and skimmed through it and then I picked up some other “Writing for writers” books. It was when I flipped through one by George Orwell that I was inspired. Here’s a guy that started where I have. As an aspiring journalist, getting the bug somewhat early in life and taking off from there. He was a year older than me when he even decided to become a writer.

I realized that I can pursue my crazy dream of writing and touching people. I just have to be inspired and build a supporting group of writers. Well, there’s a lot more to it than that…but that’s where I have to start. I suppose once I do that I can have my own office…with a floor to ceiling library, inside a beautiful victorian house, with soft, plush sitting pillows nestled inside bay windows overlooking magnificent landscapes…

Well, I suppose first I need a muse.

I remember years ago when I was in jr. high there was this awesome blackout in our neighborhood. It was so fun because my friends and I were let out of school early and they came over and brought their pjs and junk food. We sat in the laundry room with candlesticks and played games. (I don’t remember now why we were in the laundry room, but for some reason we were.) Anyways, jr. highers are weird and I was no exception.
The last blackout I experienced wasn’t as fun as that one. The power went out in the middle of the night Thursday. We woke up the next morning and I tried to convince Kyle to stay home from work because of the warnings I heard on the news the day before. However, he’s a good employee and went in to work anyway. Our house was cold and all I could motivate myself to do was start a fire in the fireplace and curl up with my kittens and a good book. It was fun but I couldn’t help but feel like I should have been doing something more constructive …like finish my thank you notes or something. Oh well.
I was also kind of bummed because we ended up having to cancel our plans to go out with Ryan and Charlene Friday night. We were going to meet at downtown Bellevue to go ice skating and see the Christmas programs. Unfortunately, Bellevue was pitch black and everything was closed. So the four of us went to Kyle’s parents’ house for dinner, Christmas movies and to warm up. Ryan and Charlene’s house was out of power too. But their power was back pretty fast. So we spent the night at their place and got warm showers. Yay!
It was fun to have a sleep over. Charlene is an amazing cook and we had the most amazing breakfast the next morning. We came home this afternoon and PRAISE THE LORD our power was back on! I really didn’t want to have to pack up the kitties and stay at someone else’s house for the night (or clean out spoiled food from the fridge). Plus I was really anxious to put up all the Christmas decorations that my parents sent to us. My dad sent a really nice train from his train set to go under our tree! We’ve been playing with it since we came home. So much fun! (My parents also emphasized that it was part of my inheritence…it’s a really really nice train). So now I feel like our house is a home. *sigh* It’s so pretty.

Kind of wishing I was back in school. I kind of miss having homework and such. Being inspired by learning something from a book I never would have thought to pick up in the first place. Well, I know there are prose and cons to both lives; working life and study life. I think what I miss most is the community. Having friends stop by randomly, etc.
Loreanne, Andrea, Emily, Tami….friends! Listen up! You all need to pack your things and move to Seattle…pronto! That is my Christmas wish. I know you would all love it here. And I know I would love having you here. Then we could visit each other, complain about whatever and then laugh about how what we were complaining about isn’t that big of a deal and how silly we are. Then we could drink tea and eat yummy treats. Then we could work out together, take walks and motivate each other to keep up with the new pilates tapes we just bought at Target….ummm…yeah. OH! Oh! And we could knit together..*wink wink* Yeah, I know of some people that just took up knitting and really enjoy it. Imagine having a knitting community!

Ok, I think I’m done stating my case right now. I have to get back to work. This guy’s story is pretty amazing. The part I’m struggling with is the tedious typing part. Blah.
But I am thankful for the rain because it helps keep me inside working instead of outside playing. Well, I suppose I could work outside too…but you know what I mean.

I other news. I love my husband. He’s so good to me and for me. He’s been working so hard and I’m sad to have him so tired when he comes home. But I’m glad I can make our home a refuge for him to feel comfortable and at ease.

So I’ve been married for some time now and Kyle have finally been able to spend a couple weeks just living life normally. It took a while to get to this point because a week after we returned from our honeymoon, my entire family came to visit and spend Thanksgiving with us. Also they came for the WA wedding reception, for all the WA friends and family who couldn’t make it to the wedding.

I’m especially excited to report that we finally got our Super Max Rubbermaid shed put together in the backyard so we can fill it with all the cra…I mean, stuff, that we don’t want in our little house. I can’t wait to put up a Christmas tree, now that we have room. And I got an email from my mom saying that she and my dad are sending us some ornaments to get us started and my dad is sending me part of the family train set…which my mom mentioned would be a chunk of my inheritence. haha. I can’t wait to get that set up. Izabelle and Ricochet are going to go crazy!!!

Just sitting here and thinking about all that has happened since Oct. I can’t help but be overwhelmed with thankfulness. The wedding so beautiful and couldn’t have gone more smoothly.
You can see pictures here: Go to www.joelamweddings.com 2. Click the “View an Event” Button 3. Enter the username and password shown below 4. Enter your email address

Fill in the following name and password information:
User Name: 1021
Password: 3209

You can also see the pics my cousin took : http://picasaweb.google.com/travishowland/KyleSarahSWedding

Besides getting married to a man that I love so much I can’t put it into words, there was something else about my wedding day that made it more than I expected. I can’t remember a day in which I felt so much love from friends and family. I wish I could explain it better, but it is something I expect every bride feels on her big day. It’s just surprising because it’s one of the best parts of the entire wedding and in all the articles and books, etc. that I read…I didn’t see this part mentioned anywhere!

Unfortunately, that aspect of the wedding is also what has made thank you notes so hard to write. I’ve had to save all the hard ones for last, but I’m realizing that my ‘hard ones’ pile seems to be growing.

So now that things are getting settled, I’m anxious to get back to some of my favorite things, like my writer’s group (which I’m excited to welcome some new local members!), painting, and drawing. I’ve also taken up some new hobbies. I used one our gift cards to Target to get a beginers Pilates kit. So much fun! Although I will admit in the begining I just felt out of shape…but it’s getting better!

I’m also back to work. Not a week passed when I got back before I got calls from clients. So I dove right back in. I love the project I’m working on currently. So fascinating! More on this later though. I should get back to work!

I moved Izabelle and Ricochet to the house today. I was a little worried there wouldn’t be enough room but they’ve moved in just fine. In fact, they love it! They loved every square foot, every corner, closet and shelf. Under the bed, in the kitchen, behind the dryer, under the dresser (and almost got stuck), on top of the dresser, on the mantel, on the shelves by the table. It was almost like they were searching for something…leaving no stone unturned. They looked out every window, from every angle, hissed at the neighbors working in their yard. Ricochet caught his first house fly and is still glowing with pride. Izabelle found the perfect nook on the back of the couch to look out the window. It’s like they’ve been here for years. I’m so happy they like it here. I hope their first night over will be just as pleasant.

Kyle gave me my wedding present last night. He got me a really nice green REI bag and toiletry bag for the honeymoon. I’ve needed a toiletry bag for so long! The one I have I’ve been using since I was in fourth grade…I think. I can’t even remember how long I’ve had it. haha.

Ohmygosh, thinking about packing makes me realize how much I still have to do. yikes. I hope I can get it all done in time!

So in all the excitement I can’t forget to point out other super important news…like how much the rest of the world loves us! And look, they’re even flashing little nuclear gifts of affection to show it! Isn’t that precious.

*prayer* Lord, why do people feel the need for such unnecessary weapons and hate-filled actions? Will I ever understand? Can I just keep burying my head in the sand? At least until my wedding has passed?

Also, I got a call yesterday from my future mother-in-law. She felt this strange need to get a mammogram (because she hadn’t had one in a while) and it turns out the doctors found a lump in her left breast. She’s had two benign lumps removed over the last several years and they say that for some reason she’s just one of those people who are prone to have them. But still, there is something there and she won’t find out much more until after the wedding. Please keep her in your prayers.

Today I got a call from my brother. He stayed home from work to get his new house ready to host Kyle, his brother and his sister-in-law. They are staying with him for the wedding. But more importantly, my brother had a doctor’s appointment today because he’s been having really bad migraines, ear aches and it hurt to comb his hair. When he went in, they found three lumps on his head. Two on the top and one on the left side. They don’t know what they are but they said they could be cysts or they could be cancer. They gave him some antibiotics and sent him home until they could find out more. Once again, please keep him in your prayers.

After running a bunch of erans and meeting the mother-in-law for lunch, I came home to find our furniture gone. Michelle’s friend came while I was out and picked up the coffee table, entertainment center and recliner that he was loaning us. The place seems so empty now. We still have our couches and book shelves and stuff, but it’s not the same. I’m really going to miss this apartment. The cats especially miss the speakers that they used to perch on. On the other hand, they really love all the boxes that we have out for packing.

Michelle and I went to look at some condos that her realtor found. I didn’t realize they had such nice places for that kind of price range. It’s strange to think that my friends are buying their own homes now. Home ownership seemed so far off. But it’s exciting to be able to see the market without jumping in yet. I know she’s going to find a really nice place. I’m going to miss having her as my roommate.