Esprit de l'escalier

So, I know what I did today was the right thing. I thank the Lord because He has given me a peace about it now. It wasn’t easy….but honestly, what is?
“But the goal of our instruction is love from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.” -1 Timothy 1:5
Jesus Himself is the way and the truth and the life. His presence in our hearts makes a way through hurt and pain.
“…SPEAKING THE TRUTH IN LOVE, we are to grow up in all aspects of Him, who is the head, even Christ, from whom the whole body, being fitted and held together by that which every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love.”

I’ve been thinking a lot on this verse and that part about “speaking the truth in love”…just that one part of the verse is so powerful. I remember when I was in Scotland and our leader asked us all a question: “What is the one thing that you can’t NOT do? Where is your passion?”
My answer to that question just popped into my head without hesitation and I honestly don’t know where it came from…but I answered “To speak truth.” That’s where my heart is…to speak the truth. Not necessarily speaking truth like “Thou shalt not lie.” It’s different than that. I’m still not sure how to explain it.

But there’s something about learning how to speak truth to yourself that comes to be harder than just plain speaking what you know to be true. Everyday I find myself learning more and more how to know the truth about myself. It’s such a grueling process. These past two weeks I have come to terms with some weaknesses. And in the same vein, I have discovered some strengths.
Lord, I thank you for the strengths you have given me and I pray that you will ease the pain as I work through the weaknesses. Lord, please also be with Andrea as she battles with pain, confusion and relationships. Please give her peace as she comes to make these decisions and give her wisdom in the process. Shield her from hurt. Show her throughout this next week how wonderful and beautiful she is. Never let her forget it. Amen.

I wish I’d studied more. I’m pretty sure I bombed my media law midterm. So today wasn’t the greatest of days. But on the brighter side…handsome matt saved my life *again*. My car hasn’t been doing so hot, so he went with me to Schucks and I got a new battery and some windsheild wipers. Now my car purrs like a kitten…it’s marvelous. Then I came back and hung out at Luke’s place and we got pizza and watched Legends of the Fall. I can’t believe I’ve never seen that movie. It’s one of those movies that I’ve always heard about…but I’ve never actually seen. So…now I can add that one to the list of classics that I’ve seen. Yay.
That movie really makes me think too. For those of you who have seen it…you’ll know what I’m talking about. That poor girl! I know exactly how she feels sometimes. *sigh* By the end of the movie all I could think was…they all need Jesus. If they’d had Jesus…they probably wouldn’t be having so much ‘drama’…if you know what I mean. Anyways…I should be in bed. G’night all!

I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die.

Have you ever experienced so much awkwardness that you just didn’t know what to do with yourself? Like that anxious feeling you get when you know you should be somewhere in less than three minutes but still haven’t left yet and it’s a half hour away. Or when you’re the final word between an ongoing debate between your two greatest friends. The way I’m feeling right now is kind of like that…sitting and catching my breath in that 15 minute break between finals. Except I haven’t even finished the first exam…but I have to gear up for the next. These past few weeks have been just jam packed with awkwardness. There really is no other word for it. I feel like I haven’t been able to put myself completely into anything. I’m only able to disperse my energy a wee bit here and there and I am going insane. But I’m holding up several things at once and if I put all my strength toward one thing over another it’s all going to come crashing down on me.
I really only have myself to blame. I know this already. And I also know that God will help me out like He always does, but this time I don’t think it’s going to be so easy. I can just sense it. I think the people around me can sense it too. As people walk up to me I can see the pity in their eyes. They say nice things and I can tell they feel uncomfortable. I don’t blame them either…it’s like talking to someone who has something on their face…you’re not sure if you know them well enough to acknowledge it, so you kind of talk around it…maybe say something about how you really like their shoes, “Are they new? They’re hecka cool, where’d you get them?”
Overall, today started out really great. I went to my Iona cadre this morning and had a chance to begin my day with praise, prayer and reflection. I loved it so much! Then I went to class and got my test back…that wasn’t so great. But the discussion was cool because I knew what we were talking about. That’s always nice. Right after that I went to the forum. I’m sorry but that talk was kinda pointless…the speaker totally didn’t answer any of the questions that were supposed to be addressed. Also, there was some awkwardness that followed that too…more about that later *maybe*.
Then an interview, then the Falcon meeting (oh yea, and I ate something sometime or another…I can’t really remember). Then SPUD pictures…which took an hour and a half…so here I am now. I still have a midterm in media law to study for tomorrow…yuck…and I have statistics at 8am. I’m gonna die.

So what’s the worst part of it all? Probably the fact that the only reason I started writing this entry was because I couldn’t remember what I did today when my roommates asked me about it.

Hmmm…not so sure about this one…but whatever.

He likes to be by himself a lot, but don’t let that
scare you off. He has a very caring soul and he
will always love you from the bottom of his
heart! And if your friends start telling you
hes not your type, ignore them or laugh in
their faces. You are the key to unlock that
heart of his^^.

What kind of boyfriend would you have?(with pics and obviously for girls^^)
brought to you by Quizilla

P.S. Cassie…the post about the NCEMO is coming up…stay tuned. 🙂

NCEMO

If anyone can tell me what that means…I’ll give you a cookie.

So, you know on my entry about Halloween? Did you notice the comment section? How in the world did he get a code?!?!?
Also, yesterday was just too much. I have had cramps like nobody’s business and I was not in the best of moods.
First, Tim IM’s me and tells me that he’s thought a lot about me ever since we broke up…what was it? Oh, four years ago? I think so. Anyway, it was super sweet, but I dunno.
Then I have this interesting conversation with Kenny about it and about what I need to change in order to solve this problem. He said I needed to stop caring so much.
A few minutes later Alex comes and knocks on my door. I decided to ignore it. Then the phone rings. My wonderful roommate picks it up and hands it to me. I ask who it is…she says she doesn’t know. “Hello?”
“Hi Sarah, it’s Alex. I have something for you. Can I come by and give it to you?”
“Alex, I have a lot to do and I’m under a lot of pressure.”
“It’ll be for just a minute”
“Alright, I suppose.”
He comes and knocks on the door, not two minutes later and presents me with purple glitter roses. “I saw them and I thought of you.”
“Alex…*exasperated sigh*…thank you…”
“And I know you haven’t been feeling well so I thought they might make you feel better.”
“Alex…*exasterated sigh*…That’s really thoughtful but I really have to get back to studying. I have a lot going on tomorrow.”
“*stands there a while*”
“Alex…I really need to go. Thank you, these are really nice.”
“oh, ok, bye”

Awkward.
Saturday was when my cramps kicked in, so I almost canceled the date I had with Scott. We were supposed to go to the zoo. But it was raining so he brought over an interesting movie called Shoalin Soccer. It’s about these kung-fu guys who take up soccer. It was funny. He also brought over fixin’s for root beer floats. I explained to him also that I had a lot of work to get done and that I wasn’t feeling so well either so we could only hang out for a few hours. And we did. It was alright. He’s a nice guy.
So I kick him out around six. He gives me a high-five and says we’ll have to definitely take on the zoo another day. I agreed.
I made myself some soup and I start on my homework and studying for this test I had today (which I’m not so sure I did very well on) and a few hours later Alex knocks on the door. I ignore it at first. Then the doorbell rings. I answer it. He’s there and he has his back pack with a radio in it. “I know that your radio hasn’t been working and you haven’t been able to listen to your radio shows. So I brought one.”
“Alright, you can stay only a little while…but I have to get my work done!”
“Ok.” He walks in and I think to myself…well, I have CSI from last Thursday…with the commercials fast forwarded, I can cut this hour down to 45 minutes.
“Hey, Alex, actually I think I’d rather watch CSI from Thursday, can we watch that instead?”
“Ok.”
“But remember you have to leave right after.”
The show ends, Brigitte comes home and I kick him out. The end.
The biggest bummer of it all is that I had originally planned to hang out with Matt that evening. We were going to go shopping for our Halloween costumes and carve pumpkins and watch Hitchcock movies. I was really looking forward to it. Then when he called I explained to him that I wasn’t feeling well and that I realized I had way too much homework to justify play time. He was bummed but he understood. The thing is I think I might have done better on my test if he had helped me study. *sigh* I feel hecka bad.

Halloween
I want to trick-or-treat for canned goods to give to a food bank but I can’t go alone…
ANYONE WANT TO COME????

Reply to this post and we can work out the details.

Remember…it’s things like this that can count for CFE credit.