Esprit de l'escalier

All dressed up and no place to go. Sad…
I haven’t felt lonely in a long time. I think this must be healthy somehow. At least, that’s what I tell myself. 🙂

Three roses…tallest one white; middle one pink; shortest one red…note said “Happy 6 month Anniversary! it is my deepest hope that we can work things out. Love Alex.”

What the heck? How can it be our anniversary if I broke up with him? Is that legal? Or is it just me? Whatever…I feel bad.

I hate it when I can’t remember stuff. I HAD so much to say earlier…but now? No such luck.

But, I do have some good news (well, it’s good to me anyway). One of my friends showed this publisher guy a short story I had written and he wants to print it! Then my friend told him that I wasn’t too bad at art either…so he wants to see some of my art work and he wants me to do some illustrations to go with my story! My friend also thinks that once this guy sees some of my art work that he’ll want me to do the illustrations for the rest of the stories in the book. Wow! I’m so excited…it’ll be nice to have a real project to work on. Sometimes it seems like you just need a topic to get your creative juices flowing again. I think this is just the muse I needed. Praise the Lord!

*thinking to self* Must be strong, must be strong, must be strong. I must be firm…stick to my guns…I cannot give in, no matter what! Shoot, this is getting hard…Lord, I need help.

From: Moore, Alex
Sent: Wed 7/21/2004 3:02 AM
To: Decker, Sarah
Subject: Sick Days

Dear Sarah,

Today, I was thinking of you again. I have not been feeling well and it got me thinking about the time you became really sick and at school. You had so much to do and could barely think to do it. It’s nice that you and roommate share some things, but this was one thing she should have kept to herself.

During the week I remember trying to comfort you and care for you in some way. I didn’t like seeing you in such pain, and I was praying that you would get better soon. I didn’t want to be anywhere else, except there with you, taking care of you. I remember giving you a back and tummy rub.

I remember calling you and asking if there was anything I could do that would make you feel better. You said you needed more Kleenex. Then roommate said she needed, “milk, and oh oh, cookies.” I wish she wouldn’t have mentioned the cookies because I wanted to surprise you with them.

So I brought the Kleenex to you. Now I don’t remember if it was the same day or not, but here is the part that stick out in my mind the most. You were sitting on the comfy couch rapped in your gray SPU blanket. You said you looked horrible, but you were one of the cutest things I had ever seen. I told you I thought you looked cute, but you didn’t believe me. You were probably thinking, how could anyone who feels this way be cute? But you were. In fact you looked just as beautiful as you always do. I have never seen you not look beautiful. That’s one of the amazing things about you. Be it that you are sick, in grubbies, just woke up, no make up, tired, or all of these at the same time, you are still beautiful (my beautiful girl).

This whole time you are blowing your nose and using the Kleenex I brought you. If I am remembering correctly, you would put the spent piece of Kleenex in another Kleenex box that had been all used up. That just added to your cuteness. Next I remember giving you a back rub with your SPU blanket rapped around you. The circle symbol lined up with the middle of your back, like you were a super hero (heroin in this case). Every once in a while you would have to blow your nose or turn your head so one side of your nose didn’t get overly clogged. I was glad to see the Kleenex getting used so well. Looking at you, I just wanted to grab you and hug you to make it all go away.

What I remember next, is us lying on the couch together holding each other. The lights were mostly out, but I remember seeing your face absolutely clear. There must have been some light from somewhere. You looked so peaceful, so beautiful. I forgot you were sick, and I leaned in and kissed you. We had come close to kissing before, while you were sick, but had never done it. At that moment I kissed you, it didn’t matter that you were still sick. I would have braved the whole of Dante’s Inferno for you, for your kiss. Not because the kiss feels good, but because I could feel your love through your kiss. After the first kiss, we kissed again and again. I remember you saying, “I missed kissing you so much.” I said the same back to you. At that moment I was thinking, “I am ready to be sick for Sarah, I want to be sick for Sarah. If being close to you at this time means that I will be sick, then I want it. I want to do anything I can for this woman.”

I want to take care of you when you get sick, when things go bad. I want to be there. I want to be there when the world falls down around you. I want to be there when you succeed. I want to be there when you become a travel writer. I want to be there when you become a journalist for a major newspaper. I want to be there when you find your inspiration. I want to be there to give and share love with you.

I want to always be there for you,

Alex

From: Moore, Alex
Sent: Tue 7/20/2004 7:47 AM
To: Decker, Sarah
Subject: I, Robot

Dear Sarah,

I went to I, Robot today and I want to tell you about it. We went to the theatre where I took you to see Van Helsing. As I walked up to the ticked counter, I saw the giving stars hanging all around and in the windows. I tried desperately to find the one you wrote our names on, but I could not find it. The people behind the counter must have thought me weird the way I was bobbing around and putting my face close to the glass.

The whole time I was watching the movie I was thinking of you. I was thinking, I sure wish I could share this movie with Sarah, just as we have shared so many others. Sharing movies with you make them all that much better.

This is the perfect movie for you and your dad. It had action, with some hand to hand fighting (I know you like that better than gun fighting). The detective aspect of the movie is so good it reminded me of CSI. I, Robot has is sci-fi, and has Matrix elements. Also, Will Smith rides a sport bike in the movie. If that doesn’t say this movie is for Sarah, I don’t know will. During the course of the movie we find out that one of the girl’s names is Sarah and she spells it exactly like you do (the correct way, not Sara). This scene where we find out the girl’s name made me catch my breath in my throat, making me miss you more. Hopefully, we can share this movie together in the future.

After the movie I was taking a shirt down to the laundry that I had worn at your house, and I noticed one of your hairs on it. This is the brown Express long sleeve over shirt that I wore once. I looked at it as I gently picked the hair up from the shirt. It sparkled in the light. The hair shined brighter than my golden necklace. At that moment I wished you were here to turn my necklace around so the clasp would be in the back again.

The point of this letter is just to let you know my thoughts and to know my thoughts are of you.

Love,

Alex

You ever have that uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach? Like, something is wrong or you’ve forgotten something really important? I’m not sure what it is, but I just have this feeling like something is wrong right now, or something is going to go wrong. I hate that feeling. It’s kind of like watching a little kid bite into an ice cream cone on a really really hot day. You pity him and can almost feel the painful brain freeze with him. Or it’s like hitting your funny bone. I’m not sure if it’s something I forgot or if there is something I’m supposed to have done before my parents get home…I just don’t know and it’s driving me mad!

Well, I suppose all I can do is brace myself and pray like nobody’s business. I sure hope this feeling turns out to be nothing.

But just in case…if you’re reading this, could you do me a favor? Go check to make sure your oven is turned off completely (unless you’re using it of course), check all other electrical appliances and call your loved ones…just to say hi. You know, you can never be too sure. 😉

Being my friends, I know you all have kept up with the stuff I write for The Falcon newspaper. (Obviously, because everything I write is just soooooo interesting.)
Anyway, I am putting together a portfolio of the finest pieces I’ve written and I’d like your opinion! This portfolio is going to be included in my application to ANG Newspapers…so it’s really important. You can access the articles at www.thefalcononline.com or go to www.spu.edu and click on search. At the bottom of the search list is a link to the Falcon website. Once you get to the Falcon website, click adv. search in the left-hand column and type in my name in the writers search box. Your thoughts and opinions are valuable…let me know what you think!

I used to think that when I needed that little extra something and my best friends weren’t around to talk to, that Disney movies were the trick to cheering myself up. That or I’d go on a nice long walk and think about stuff. (But that’s also something I do regardless of how I’m feeling…I just like walking and thinking.) Another option I’d resort to was watching Strong Bad emails (www.homestarrunner.com), that usually always makes me laugh.
But today I did what I knew I should have done in the first place. It’s silly really, a cliche…but it works. I prayed and I read my Bible. It’s a no-fail answer.
The funny part is that I’m not really sad. I’m just kind of numb. I don’t think the punch has hit me yet; what has made me feel this way is the shock of seeing it coming.
Anyway, I opened my Bible and started reading Hebrews (I always remember it as the faith chapter and I figure faith is what I needed to have.)

11:1 “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”

10:35-36 “So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.”

After the second call…
A few minutes later he calls again…I don’t pick up. The phone rings again, I wait…I give in. “I’m sorry. I don’t want you to go. You’re too much a part of my life.” *I’m silent* “I don’t know why you’re doing this to me.”

“Alex, it’s not all about you. If the reason you don’t want me to go is because I’m too much a part of your life…well, what about my life? You think about me, but you don’t think of me.” Then he hangs up on me again.

He calls again after that, twice; three times; four times…I’m not picking up.