Esprit de l'escalier

From: Moore, Alex
Sent: Wed 7/21/2004 3:02 AM
To: Decker, Sarah
Subject: Sick Days

Dear Sarah,

Today, I was thinking of you again. I have not been feeling well and it got me thinking about the time you became really sick and at school. You had so much to do and could barely think to do it. It’s nice that you and roommate share some things, but this was one thing she should have kept to herself.

During the week I remember trying to comfort you and care for you in some way. I didn’t like seeing you in such pain, and I was praying that you would get better soon. I didn’t want to be anywhere else, except there with you, taking care of you. I remember giving you a back and tummy rub.

I remember calling you and asking if there was anything I could do that would make you feel better. You said you needed more Kleenex. Then roommate said she needed, “milk, and oh oh, cookies.” I wish she wouldn’t have mentioned the cookies because I wanted to surprise you with them.

So I brought the Kleenex to you. Now I don’t remember if it was the same day or not, but here is the part that stick out in my mind the most. You were sitting on the comfy couch rapped in your gray SPU blanket. You said you looked horrible, but you were one of the cutest things I had ever seen. I told you I thought you looked cute, but you didn’t believe me. You were probably thinking, how could anyone who feels this way be cute? But you were. In fact you looked just as beautiful as you always do. I have never seen you not look beautiful. That’s one of the amazing things about you. Be it that you are sick, in grubbies, just woke up, no make up, tired, or all of these at the same time, you are still beautiful (my beautiful girl).

This whole time you are blowing your nose and using the Kleenex I brought you. If I am remembering correctly, you would put the spent piece of Kleenex in another Kleenex box that had been all used up. That just added to your cuteness. Next I remember giving you a back rub with your SPU blanket rapped around you. The circle symbol lined up with the middle of your back, like you were a super hero (heroin in this case). Every once in a while you would have to blow your nose or turn your head so one side of your nose didn’t get overly clogged. I was glad to see the Kleenex getting used so well. Looking at you, I just wanted to grab you and hug you to make it all go away.

What I remember next, is us lying on the couch together holding each other. The lights were mostly out, but I remember seeing your face absolutely clear. There must have been some light from somewhere. You looked so peaceful, so beautiful. I forgot you were sick, and I leaned in and kissed you. We had come close to kissing before, while you were sick, but had never done it. At that moment I kissed you, it didn’t matter that you were still sick. I would have braved the whole of Dante’s Inferno for you, for your kiss. Not because the kiss feels good, but because I could feel your love through your kiss. After the first kiss, we kissed again and again. I remember you saying, “I missed kissing you so much.” I said the same back to you. At that moment I was thinking, “I am ready to be sick for Sarah, I want to be sick for Sarah. If being close to you at this time means that I will be sick, then I want it. I want to do anything I can for this woman.”

I want to take care of you when you get sick, when things go bad. I want to be there. I want to be there when the world falls down around you. I want to be there when you succeed. I want to be there when you become a travel writer. I want to be there when you become a journalist for a major newspaper. I want to be there when you find your inspiration. I want to be there to give and share love with you.

I want to always be there for you,

Alex