Esprit de l'escalier

Do you ever have those moments of complete and utter loss? Where you are just forced to stop and try to explain yourself. I hate those moments. I particularly dislike having to ever explain how I’m feeling, especially when I don’t know exactly what I’m feeling.

These past few weeks I think God has been corning me and forcing me to confront my purpose, that which gives me value. I’ve learned a lot in that time. I’ve learned that I can’t run a business on my own and that I don’t have the self discipline to be self-managed. And I can’t be by myself for too long. Otherwise I go crazy.
I want so bad to do something great, to write in a way that inspires people to look beyond themselves. I want to have a purpose that challenges and stretchs me and gives me a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. I want to work with people and develope a community. But right now I feel extremely displaced.

If this is a 12 step program, I think I can say I’ve achieved the first step. To acknowledge that I have a problem. haha. Of sorts. Identity crisis, maybe?

I am confident that I can call any temp agency and be hooked up with a mundane office job and do well. I would work with people and accomplish things. My only hesitation is that I would get absorbed in that and be too tired or unmotivated to pursue or develope the skills I have. I would get off track and loose sight of my passions. Most of all, I don’t want to settle.

I need guidance and direction. I need a mentor. I need a Yoda.

Do you have that feeling of accomplishment at the end of your work day? What drives you to do what you do?