Worn out

I’m too worn out to think, but I can’t stop. Not now. I might miss something. And I still have so much to do.
The Lord has continued to bless me, even when I wasn’t looking. Everytime I slow down a moment to think about how much I love the people around me, something inside me feels squeezed. Pressed and anxious. I don’t want to say goodbye to them, I don’t want to loose them. But I also know that this community won’t be the same once everyone moves on, and it’s selfish of me to think that I can keep them with me – holding them back from where God wants them to go.
At the CHA bbq yesterday I sat and watched the people around me. Part of me was sad that I’d never taken the time to get to know some of them. But realistically I also knew that it would have been impossible to spread myself that thin, and when I saw my friends smile (as cheesy as it sounds) I was glad I invested heavily in the friendships that I did. The few moments I spent outside on the grass, under the sun at the gathering went too fast. I didn’t want to leave, but something kept me from sprawling out, belly up and staying for another hour. I suppose you could call it the conviction of responsibility. I still wish I had had more time to run around and say hi to everyone and give out hugs where I saw they were needed.
As I left, the horror really set in. I’m going to be so alone this summer without these people. I know I have more friends than those that were at the bbq, I mean, I doubt I saw everyone who was even there. But if the thought of never seeing even those few again hurts this bad, I should probably avoid thinking past next week.
How do you show someone how much they’ve meant to you? I think until now I’ve mostly tried not to acknowledge how important some of these people are simply because I knew I’d have to say goodbye. I’m terrible with goodbyes. One thing’s for sure…don’t let me give you a farewell hug. I might not let go.

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One Response to “Worn out”

  1. abe49 says:

    you are not alone

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