Esprit de l'escalier

Crap. I should know better by now. I really should. I take full responsibility for my frustration. Everytime I talk to him I am left completely in knots. I can’t believe I ever thought he actually cared about me. He really doesn’t. He just uses me as a subject to project his own thoughts on. He doesn’t care about my life except where he can take it over. Then he rubs it in my face. If it doesn’t involve him, he doesn’t even see it. I’m convinced now that he simply wants to make my life a living hell because it makes him feel better about himself. Lord only knows why.
What’s worse is that I feel terrible for being upset and irritated by this. I know I’ll only dig myself into a deeper whole by thinking this way, but I can’t help but come back to the fact that it was my poor decision making that got me here in the first place. If I had listened to what God was telling me, then perhaps we’d all be better off. But, lesson learned. It’s in the past and now I just have to deal with the present. I only pray that I can do it with the least amount of casualties as possible. I know of three or four who are already suffering emotional injuries because of me. (If you know who you are, again…I’m so sorry.) *deep breath* I need to go to bed and pray myself to sleep.

Here’s my prayer: Lord please calm my frustrated heart. I’m not feeling very loving right now Lord, I just feel hurt. I know You can take these feelings away and replace them with Your compassion and understanding. I pray that You’d do that Lord and fill me with wisdom to know what I need to do. I also pray for him, that you would open his eyes and his heart to see and understand his words and actions. Help him to be aware of other people and their feelings. I thank you for the sunshine and for all the blessings You’ve showered upon us this week, Lord. I pray Your presence will be with all those I love. Amen.
“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” -Eph. 4:6

A final note. What’s worse about this situation is that I can’t deal with it like I have in the past. I can’t just turn tail and run. I can’t go on a boy fast. Because there are boys who are actually helping me and encouraging me in the midst of this. (Lord bless their hearts). If there’s one thing I know it’s that I don’t want to loose friends because of one guy.
I just get so worked up every time I think about how selfish this person is! I can’t believe I was so blind before and I feel eaten up inside every time I think about how it has caused me to people I care about. How can he not see this!!! *grrr*

OK, for reals now…I need to go to bed.