Last night and this morning…update for the ladies

Last night was so nice. I got to hang out with Andrea and watch a totally awesome movie again. (Check previous posts for raves about Before Sunset.) I love that girl so much and I have been missing her a lot.

Tonight I thought I was driving in the car rally at church. Turns out it’s tomorrow night. I had made plans with Lance for tomorrow night to hang out and chill with Madison, watch movies and have dinner. Bummer. Hopefully we can switch these two appointments without disturbing the entire agenda too much.

Today, something else exciting (Like WAY HECKA EXCITING) is happening that I can’t talk about because I have been sworn to secrecy. It’s sooooo hard!

This morning is beautiful. The sun is out, traffic was mild and most of the office is in good spirits. All was well, until something I can’t mention happened. I suppose I could attempt to talk about it in vague terms and hope my point will still come across.

Lately I’ve been learning a lot about how people care for each other. Not just in terms of love, but in terms of connecting with someone in general. Regardless of the level, caring for someone brings you and that person to a different plane. What they do in their life affects yours and sometimes visa versa. A while ago I had thought that I could avoid this connection with anyone beyond my best friends and family. But inevitably, as I am apt to do, I made friends. This one friend in particular came to be very close, not in a romantic sense, but in that ‘other close friend’ sense. I’m still not sure how to explain it but it was like we were at a point where we were comfortable with silence and could read when the other person was uncomfortable at parties. This person was always there for me, whenever I was needing help. I’d often joke that they had saved my life a gazillion times and that I might as well be an indentured servant for how much I owed him. I always kept my eyes open for a way to repay him, but it seemed like he never needed help in anything. The only thing I had to give was my time and attention because those were the most valuable commodities I could give. And it wasn’t very hard because I wanted to spend time with this person. We shared thoughts, bounced ideas off of each other when struck with inspiration and we were honest. But something happened and suddenly all of that was gone.
It would not be the first time I hurt this person. The first time I was afraid and I ran away. It was due to my fault and my weakness. He never hid his motives from me. Well, in the beginning he did, but I think that was just because he didn’t know me or know if I was worth pursuing. I wanted to give him what he wanted, because I cared about him and valued him. He wanted a relationship. I didn’t. I didn’t want pursute, but I dealt with the friendship the way I deal with all friendships with guys. (Except Kenny, he he). This is because it was the way I was raised, I hadn’t done it any other way. But it’s no excuse. Anyway, after that first incident, we kind of pretended that nothing happened, but I knew he was hurting inside. But he had forgiven me and was willing to look over it. That wasn’t fair. So I pushed him to talk to me about it, even though I knew he didn’t want to bring it up. We got it out in the open, I explained to him the possible reasons for why I did what I did (I could only give him possible reasons, because really I didn’t know why. I still don’t know why completely). I asked for forgiveness, even though he had already given it to me. I didn’t deserve it. After that, we were stronger friends. He put up with all sorts of things with me and the things I was going through in my life. He was patient, encouraging and…well…loving. I can’t really think of a better word, even though this kind of love is different than what most people think of. He shared with me what he had, even when he didn’t have very much. And I still don’t know how to repay him. But now, I’m not sure I’ll ever have the chance.
An evening came last quarter where I was confronted with a decision. I hated the decision…secretly I think everyone hates these decisions. It’s that ultimatum that comes around in almost all friendships that are formed between a guy and a girl. It shines a light on that question from “When Harry met Sally,” can guys and girls be friends?
I loved what we had, but I know there were underlying motives. Secretly I think I had the same motives, but I was not brave enough, or sure enough in myself to go for them. Because of my decision, I feel like I’ve lost one of the only true friends (besides Sarah) that I had in Seattle. But maybe he wasn’t a true friend…but just a guy with ulterior motives? I’m not really sure. I just know that in my anxiousness to show him how much I care, I gave things that were misleading for the friendship. I didn’t know what else I could do to show how much I appreciated him as a person. And fear kept me from considering other options.
Perhaps I have it all wrong. Perhaps it was all some sort of joke. If that’s the case, I’m for sure the butt of it. I treated him like a best friend. I confided in him, shared crazy ideas, had tons of fun, took criticism, learned a lot from him, let him see the worst of me, repented, accepted forgiveness, we shared inside jokes, personal phrases and most of all, I was honest in admitting my confusion and uncertainty. What it comes down to is I bent the rules I set for myself because I thought I saw something bigger; I felt safe with him. I opened myself to accept a friend, and closed my eyes to the fact that he wanted to be more than that. It’s my fault that he jumped to that option. Although, I admit that I also thought of that possibility, but when confronted with it, I did what I usually do. I ran. I never ran too far though.
Now the point has come where things will probably never be as fun as they were, because he doesn’t need to wait around for me. For him, that’s what our friendship was; a waiting room. He was waiting for it to blossom into something more. But I’m not ready to bloom. In a way, it feels like we’ve already been together for a while. If that’s what it would have been like, I think I could get used to it. It’d be like that, fun, adventurous and then some. But a spirit like his deserves better than that. I can’t give him what he wants. What he needs. I couldn’t give it to him when we were friends because I didn’t have it. That makes me sad.
He’s moving on to make other lady-type friends. I don’t blame him. He’s a social person. That’s one of the many things I admired about him. I just pray that she doesn’t hurt him like I did. I hurt him unintentionally, but that’s no excuse. I can’t hold onto him just because I want him to be my friend, just because I have fun and appreciate all that he is and has done for me. For friendship to work, both people have to want it and they have to want it for the same reasons. I will always care about him and I will continue to pray for him and that God will watch over him.
You may be wondering why I haven’t told him all this. Wouldn’t he understand if you explained it to him? I’ve tried to tell him, but the last time I did I think it was bad timing because he said something like, “let’s not talk about that now.” I think it still hurts his too much or something. I’m sure he might understand, but I’m not sure it would change anything. Perhaps God meant for something more, but I’m not feeling Him tug me in that direction right now. If anything, I feel like crawling under a rock and coming out only to party with the girls. Is it possible to avoid attachments? Is this normal? How can you care for someone so much and yet not want a relationship with them?
I know the Lord has the answers. I just need to hush up and listen.
If you have read this far…bless your heart and thanks for listening. You know how I am, I like to sort my thoughts out in writing. Yea, I’m weird, I’m living with it.

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4 Responses to “Last night and this morning…update for the ladies”

  1. Thanks for sharing, it actually helps to know that other people are confused besides yourself. You rock, m’dear. Keep on keepin’ on.
    Remember, if the Lord brings you to it, He’ll bring you through it.

  2. trademehalos says:

    I read it. And funny…I still don’t know who you’re talking about. But, how was this a surprise?

  3. propheceye says:

    Is it possible to avoid attachments?
    Is this normal?
    But maybe he wasn’t a true friend…but just a guy with ulterior motives?
    Even if this were true (which it probably was), you shouldn’t hold it against him. Everyone has their own self-serving motives for their actions. Your actions were based on the motive of friendship… but what makes your motive of friendship so much better than his motives of seeking a relationship? Are they both not desires of all human beings and both with in alignment with ethical principles? Besides, how can his motives be ulterior when you said yourself they were always out in the open?
    How can you care for someone so much and yet not want a relationship with them?
    It’s easy, just convince yourself that you require much more than love, care, and friendship out of a relationship.
    Don’t beat yourself up too much though. You suffer from the same thing that the rest of humanity suffers from… and that is the ability for us to analyze a situation, determine what the right thing to do is, but then do something else because we fear the pain that doing the right thing would cause. In this case you probably realized it would have been best to do a better job of running away or have taken the relationship route but you feared the consequences of both so you let things be.
    We like to think we are free to make choices but in reality, we are slaves to our disposition. The only way to change our ability to make choices for the better is to fundamentally change who we are… and like I said before, this can usually only be done with pain. With that being said, take heart and take this opportunity to make things better for yourself and others in future friendships and relationships.

  4. Read – Hiding From Love

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