I’m scared

Loreanne!!! I need you. I can’t wait to come home.
My date for this evening, Sean, just left. Oh dear, they are all after me! I don’t know what to do! *breathing deep slow breaths* Ok, I’m calming down. Let me start from the begining of last week.
Gosh, I can hardly remember last week. How sad is that? Anyhow, I’ve been on dates nearly every night for the past two weeks. I swear it must be the season. Anyhow, it’s not the dates that are killing me…it’s the result. Last night, Matt came over and I made him dinner (because he’s made me dinner a gazillion times and I owed him, haha). So it was nice and all, we played chess and watched movies and made Christmas cards. (We might go ice skating tomorrow night with some friends). Anyway, we’ve had fun and stuff. Well, it was getting late and Minority Report just ended. It’s quiet for a few minutes and then he says, “So…I know you have a lot of guys who want you to be their girlfriend. But I was wondering if you would be MY girlfriend.” I froze. I was so not sure if I should. Anyways, so it was quiet again for a few minutes. And I was just like, “Oh dear.” and then I said, “wow, that’s a huge question for me.” *quiet again for a few minutes* “Can I pray about it?” And then he said something like, “I wouldn’t have it any other way.” And I have a feeling that for the last few times that we’ve hung out…that he has been thinking about kissing me. He kept kissing me on the head…randomly. Well, I’m sure in his mind it wasn’t random…but yea, anyways. I avoided it by not letting the eye contact hold too long, ya know?
So that’s that story…well, the skinny of it anyway. Then tonight, Sean took me out to dinner at this really nice little candle lit place in Downtown Seattle (it was sooo pretty with all the Christmas lights! But anyway…) We talked for a long time over this really nice dinner and then walked around in the rain for a while. But during that dinner he was like WAY TOO honest. Which I appreciated, but then again I wouldn’t have been worse off if he hadn’t told me that he’d thought about kissing me tonight. Yes, that’s right. He told me that. I tried to brush it off, and keep it light hearted like it was a joke. But that’s the intensity level of the conversation tonight. Deep and straight forward.
This is just the last two nights! Boys trying to kiss me and asking me to be their girlfriend. I appreciate the attention, but it’s a really hard position to be in because I don’t feel like I’ve been prioritizing right. I feel like I haven’t maintained my relationship with God enough to be in a boy-girl relationship. Arrrggghhh. I’m so confused! And Kyle still talks to me about how much he still really likes me. And he apologizes all the time for getting jealous when I go out to dinner or whatever with other guys.
I wish it could just be clear cut sometimes. Like, it’d be so cool if God just sent me an email, or even a notice in the mail, saying “[fill in the blank] is who I have chosen for you to be with. You will be the happiest with him and he will be happiest with you. Pursue, encourage, have fun, etc. Be good.” – God.
Wouldn’t that be nice? *sigh* Ok, I think I’m done freaking out now. It’s bed time. I will see you in a few days. I miss you. I miss your voice of reason. I miss your laugh (even if you are laughing at me, hehe). I can’t wait to get your update. We have a lot of catching up to do. Oh, and I can’t wait to give you the fun stuff I got you! Anyways, I was going to go to bed….I think I’ll do that now. Night night!

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