Esprit de l'escalier

From: Captain America
To: Lady Reluctant

—–Original Message—–
From: Wiitala, Josh
To: Decker, Sarah
Sent: 9/1/2003 12:27 PM
Subject: RE:

Sarah,

sorry I was so goofy on the phone.. someday I think you will see how
much it sucks to be alone and then you’ll understand me a bit better. I
think you understand to an extent at some level and that is why you
always go out with these guys or have a guy escort you to events or
lunches like today but when you are truly alone life sucks.. there is no
getting around it.

LORD bless you friend,
Josh

—–Original Message—–
From: Decker, Sarah
To: Wiitala, Josh
Sent: 9/1/2003 1:04 PM
Subject: RE:

Josh,
I’m really sorry you feel that way. But I must say that your attitude
about the situation is not your usual. You keep saying to me things like
“someday you will understand”. To be honest, I will never understand how
you see things exactly…because I am not you. Please try to remember
that just because I don’t see the world through your eyes, does not mean
that I don’t see or understand the world at all. I know you’re
lonely…I am too. Just because people take me places occationally does
not mean that I am with anyone. If the only reason you miss me is
because you miss having someone there, then I’m afraid your intentions
may not be straight right now. Like you have told me before I am not a
little girl, so please do not talk down to me with phrases like “someday
you will understand.” I pray the LORD will calm your heart and quench
your thirst for company. Remeber, you are never alone when you have
Christ in your heart. I understand that God did not make man to be
alone, but more importantly, God made man to need nothing beyond Him. I
would like to help you Josh, but I don’t understand what happened on the
phone. And I think your email may be a little skewed…I have never
known you to be the kind of person to have that sort of outlook on life.
Sure life may get down in the dumps sometimes, but you know better than
to think of it as being “sucky” overall. Buck up Mister! Lift your chin
and take the crumminess of life with a smile. Pardon my cliche but “when
life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” As a sister in Christ I will not
sit by and allow you to wallow in loneliness. Get up and get outside and
have some fun! And tell me all about it later. 🙂

><>Sarah

—–Original Message—–
From: Wiitala, Josh
To: Decker, Sarah
Sent: 9/1/2003 3:37 PM
Subject: a good friend knows when to kick another friend’s butt

wow, you set me straight. I am going to think and pray about this and get back to you but my gut reaction is that you are right and I am wrong and you are definitely no little girl! you are an exceptionally beautiful and insightful woman..
about the phone this morning: sometimes I just don’t know how to express myself to you, Sarah, that is why I just said “I’ll talk to you later.”
I know you could tell that I was trying to say something but I just couldn’t get it out.. if we had been together I think you could have helped me figure it out but, at this point a few hours later I still don’t understand how to express to you what is on my heart. I never would have even dreamed of calling any other girl feeling like I do but I trust you. I think that this makes twice for this kind of thing with us..
all I know is that this is a genuinely tough time for me and when we were talking my feelings were hurt but I don’t even understand how or why… I know I feel insignificant in your life and that hurts because you are not insignificant in my heart or prayers but why it surfaced this morning who knows… I guess it was because other things kept superceding me.. I don’t know but, now there are two women (you and my Mom) in this world who know that I am actually a pathetically sensitive guy.. oh well, it’ll be clear to me what happened in time… but one thing is for sure, Sarah, if I wanted to be with just somebody I would go get just somebody. there is a reason I call you.. oh, and I do get out. I hang out with the guys when it is within the fear of God and I go to church and a bible study etc… and sometimes I just play video games with the guys to unwind… but what my heart longs for is the David and Jonathan friendships that I had with Darren, Chris Combs, Roddy, Van Winkle, Asobo, Jeff Sawatzky, Big Dave, Nate White, Josh Van Whye, Ryan Burleson… and on and on… men with whom I can fight together with to serve our LORD and men who will lift me up in admonition and prayer and whom I can build up in those same ways… that is what I was starting to tell you this morning when your Dad called.

I am sorry Sarah, I am not very impressive right now and you are getting to see that..but it is not the first time. should I just avoid you when I am like this? right now I feel like that would be a good recourse because this kind of vulnerability makes me kind of ashamed. you are seeing me at my weakest.
one question though before I quit writing: do you think that the LORD could raise up a woman who would care about me in times like this? or do you think I have to grow past times like this before I can care for a woman? give it to me straight sister, I can take it.. you are a wise sister and I want to know what you think. It is on my heart to be there for a woman when she is weak so I am leaning toward thinking that maybe the LORD will raise someone up to be with me in times like this but I am interested in hearing your opinion because by virtue of being yours it already has my respect, and if you ever doubt that feel free to blast me again like you just did:)

LORD bless and I mean it,
Josh

—–Original Message—–
From: Decker, Sarah
To: Wiitala, Josh
Sent: 9/1/2003 9:27 PM
Subject: RE: a good friend knows when to kick another friend’s butt

Josh,
I’m sorry I “blasted” you like that. I hope you know that I was only trying to help. Although I don’t think I did a very good job. It’s not my place really to say things like that to you. I’m sorry. I hope things are clearing up for you. As always, you are in my prayers. I also pray that my words would bring more comfort and wisdom than hurt and conviction. That was certainly not my intention.
I’m sorry it’s not easy for you to express yourself to me. Perhaps I was not meant to have that privelage. I knew there was something you wanted to tell me before you hung up, but I didn’t want to press the issue. As a woman I know it’s better, in many cases, to just keep my mouth shut. You always have my ear Josh and I will always, as a sister in Christ, try to do my best by you. Do not loose heart. God brought you to where you are for a reason. How long did it take to build the friendships you had with your guys at SPU? Don’t forget, relationships like those take time and who knows how long it will be before the LORD brings some cool guys into your life to hang out with that have the same goals to grow spiritually that you do. 🙂
You do not have to be afraid with me. I know you have a soft heart…there was no doubt in my mind about that. I trust your judgment and discretion. I just want to be sure you have a guy to confide in first. I will always be here for you as a friend and sister…but the best ears you will always have are those of the LORD and of another male confidant. I can give you my insight as a woman, but my knowledge of the male mind (as you know) is rather limited. 🙂 Josh, you are not insignificant in my mind, that’s why I wanted you to call back, Goofball! Don’t ever think that you are not important. If you do, I’ll have to come over there and beat you up, haha.
The thing is, I have a lot going on right now, just like you do. I’m working to find myself and see where the LORD is taking my life. I’ve got priorities and commitments to my family first. I’ll always have time to talk to you and I’m sorry people kept beeping through. Remember, if I’m not loyal and commited to my family and pre-set obligations…how could you be sure that I’d be a loyal and commited friend to you? 🙂
I’m not sure if all that I am saying makes very much sense…but don’t ever hesitate to ask questions. Once again, I’m sorry I was so firm, I did not mean to hurt your feelings. I’ll understand if you do not want to talk to me. I want you to be able to trust me…but I want you to trust what the LORD puts on your heart first. My prayers are with you Josh.

><>Sarah

—–Original Message—–
From: Wiitala, Josh
To: Decker, Sarah
Sent: 9/2/2003 4:04 AM
Subject: RE: a good friend knows when to kick another friend’s butt

Sarah,

Don’t apologize, friend, I had it coming..I woke up realizing just how ridiculous I was yesterday. My reaction to you was not a reaction to anything you said it was simply a reaction to my own fears. In my heart, I am sincerely afraid that I am insignificant to you and this is the heart of the issue. I honestly feel when I get one of your parents on the phone that they are probably wondering why this loser doesn’t get the message… Sarah, has made it clear to him for six months but he still keeps calling… This is honestly how I feel. I am not just throwing this out there. You are getting my heart. I also feel like every call might be the time that you tell me that you are dating someone.. You have shown me so much of your heart and I know that this is not where you are at but this understanding does not always make it to my emotions… does that make sense? This is what I was trying to get out yesterday… it just took me some time to put it together.
Sarah, I have done this to you twice now and neither time was warranted and neither time made sense but, I want you to think about these times because I think that they will help you understand me better and understand how deeply I really do care about you. I am usually a pretty steady guy about stuff but you are different. I am so sensitive (this statement won’t be a shock) to what you say to me and I think it is because I perceive our relationship as so precarious and you mean so much to me. Do you see what I am saying? The same passion that drives me to be knocking on your door in Ashton two minutes after you tell me that you had a bad day or to rush around all day on a rainy day so that I will have time to wait outside the door to the bookstore when you get off work or to call you as soon as you email me that you are praying through some rough times emotionally is the same passion that causes me to act so ridiculous when I feel like I don’t mean anything to you. I can’t help it.. you mean that much to me and next time that I act like such an idiot on the phone, Sarah, you will know what is going on… and don’t just keep your mouth shut Sarah! I need to know your heart so that I can deal with the truth and not just my fears whether unfounded or founded in truth! I do my best to pour myself out to you so that you will know exactly how I feel but lots of times I have no idea what you are thinking about me… its tough.
oh, one more thing… no, life does not suck. I was either bitter or mispoke or both at that moment.. Lonliness does suck though but at the deepest level I still rejoice in that! God has promised good from this time and I am so grateful to be in His calling and living in His will to His purpose.. denying the suckiness of life is foolish but giving in to it is worse, it is sin! we have to deal with reality as it stands: this world is cursed and to say it does not present hard times is to reject Scripture. However, where I agree with you is that the suckiness is nothing to succomb to! we are redeemed children of Christ in this crooked land! Sarah, these are powerful times for me and the fact that they suck in the context of relationships is part of that power.. God is molding me and I find peace, strength, and joy within my lonliness because it is part of His work on me.. Sarah, I am not sitting in the corner wimpering.. I am more than a conquerer here. Every time I step out my door, I do so to bring glory to God through my hard work in flight school and my commitment to worship Him in everything I do. If I sounded like a victim or something to you then I definitely miscommunicated what is going on… I am a strong man and I am thoroughly fired up to be a durn good pilot.. I want to be one of the best, Sarah! and above all I am fired up to live the calling that my LORD has for me here!!!! I want a harvest of men, Sarah. I want to see the Spririt move among my AF compatriots. I am living in the strength of the reality that I am a warrior who’s battle is already won but even warriors have tender places in their heart and you are mine Sarah… There is no use denying the obvious.. you are my weak spot but that does not mean that I am not kicking some … out here! make no mistake about that, and pray for me too I have a big exam on Friday. let me know if I am finally communicating.. and Sarah, thank you so much for sticking with me when I can’t make sense and hearing me out..sometimes it just takes men a little longer to get ahold of their feelings.. you are gracious to me…and if you ever think I am treating you like a little girl I WANT you to give me both barrels.. if I am, then I deserve it because you are a remarkable beauty in my eyes. you are a woman’s woman and definitely no little girl, although I can’t help but think it is cute when you get all riled about that kind of stuff.

LORD bless,
Josh

The drama continues…details will follow.