Tis the season to be sad and lonely…fa la lala la lala la la

I was just catching up on my ‘Friends’ page and gee wiz…everyone seems to be going through the blues. And I’m sorry to say that right now I’m no exception to the tragic wave of loneliness and pessimism that has washed over this month. I’ll admit that in comparison to others, I have absolutely nothing to whine about. However, to each person his/her own extreme applies. The ability to compare to someone else’s hard times can only extend as far as my own hard times have carried me. I may not be able to relate to a person who has just suffered losing a brother in a car accident, but it doesn’t mean I can’t relate to their sense of extreme lose or feelings of grief. In the same way, I may not have tried drinking an entire alcoholic beverage, but I can base my knowledge on the fact that I have smelt it and have witnessed its affects on other people.
In this way, I feel I have enough credibility behind me to support myself when I say that I do feel that I am missing out on love. I may not have experienced it in its entirety, but I have a capacity of knowledge to know what I am missing. Hence, the loneliness factor. Just as my best friend has said, I am constantly surrounded by “people in love”. And sure I am happy for them, but at the same time it only increases my awareness of how lonely I am. I have been seeing cute boys left and right and I haven’t even been looking! And when the times come around that I need an escort or whatever…there’s no one around! I know that the last thing I need right now is a relationship, but it still hurts to be alone sometimes. And I miss being able to hug a guy without the scrutiny of on-lookers.
In addition to my gut wrenching, sappy loneliness I have a booty-load of work on my back, massive tests that I am not at all ready for, an overly chipper roommate (which gets annoying after a while…as much as I love her), three outrageous articles on deadline and a gazillion other details to work through. It would be too hard to go into at this point in the game.
What’s worse is that I’m totally not feeling confident about myself right now. You know those days where you just feel ugly and completely useless? Or those days where you feel that you aren’t very bright and it seems like you can’t do anything right? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suffering from depression or anything, I’m just going through a hard time. I haven’t really been making the time to take care of myself or eat right. I feel fat, soft and out of shape. I haven’t been getting the sleep I need and whatever else. Plus I haven’t really put a lot of time into making myself look decent, so whenever I look in the mirror I am reminded why people look at me the way they have been. Lately I feel like every pretty girl and her supermodel roommate have been walking by and looking down on me in disgust. And naturally I look like a mad wreck to all the guys. I’ve been feeling completely detached from the world. To be honest, I feel like the only thing I’ve managed to do is get in the way. I know everyone else may see things differently, but from down here in this hole I’ve dug myself into, things aren’t looking too hot.

Yet, even through this madness, I have kept myself sane with this simple thought: In my weakness, He is made strong.
Geez, and all this time I thought I was looking bad just to make those who are standing around me look better.

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2 Responses to “Tis the season to be sad and lonely…fa la lala la lala la la”

  1. trademehalos says:

    you know it’s funny…I’ve noticed that people’s journal entries have affects on others. Sometimes I see this with my friends in response to mine. For example, you referring to the entry I made about being surrounded by people in love. But not only that. Maybe all your friends entries are helping bring you down. So sorry 😛 But, if we didn’t have down times, the up times wouldn’t be as great as they are. The happiness of being with someone wouldn’t be as meaningful without the loneliness and knowledge of what it’s like without someone.
    I’ve been thinking that this journal, being online in particular, has been good for you. I have known you for about 19 years now…and you’ve never been all that open. I was your best friend and at times I wondered who you told everything to. (I mean, I keep a ton inside too so I understand…and I’m trying to work on that.) But, I’ve noticed that you’re more open in this journal. It’s good for you. Maybe you should try it out in real life conversations more often. 🙂

  2. sarahmadson says:

    You know what? All those years you’ve known me I haven’t told anything to anybody but you. You’re right, I’ve never been open about much of anything. But you’ll be flattered to know that when I did tell something to someone…most of the time that someone was you.
    You’re also right about this being good for me. All these years I have been writing out my thoughts and feelings, and I get to do the same thing with lj, but now other people have access to these writings. I suppose I also appreciate the confidenciality of the system as well. And the fact that I can regulate who gets to read what.

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