Esprit de l'escalier

I found this while looking for a file this afternoon. I’d hang my head in shame of my lameness – if I weren’t laughing so hard. (Seriously…I must have been on something.)

PoluOwau: come back!
PoluOwau: *tap* *tap* *tap*
PoluOwau: ninety-nine bottles of root beer on the wall, ninety nine bottles of root beer
PoluOwau: take one down, pass it around, ninety eight bottles of root beer on the wall
PoluOwau: hmmm… this is pretty boring
PoluOwau: i think i’ll just do some crunches till you get back
PoluOwau: ok, whew, did 60, and you’re …ummm. Still not there?
PoluOwau: strange, I wonder to myself….is he really there?
PoluOwau: or is this some, mean trick…
PoluOwau: I wonder….
PoluOwau: have you been abducted by an alien race
PoluOwau: from across the border
PoluOwau: for means of bitter sweet revenge
PoluOwau: because they didn’t get their green cards before the deadline last Monday
PoluOwau: and now they are going to be deported
PoluOwau: and you, you my friend are the key
PoluOwau: the key to American citizenship
PoluOwau: and perhaps
PoluOwau: you are the good friend of some major big wig
PoluOwau: some big cheese guy sitting on top of the whole system looking down upon all the immigrants and laughing
PoluOwau: so these aliens feel that your unusual disappearance will raise questions among the big wig elite
PoluOwau: the powerful few of whom you happen to be casual yet strangely close enough friends with.
PoluOwau: So, yet, after reviewing the scenario
PoluOwau: I’ve come to this conclusion
PoluOwau: that you’re tied up somewhere
PoluOwau: and you really didn’t sign on
PoluOwau: that the person that flipped the power switch to your impressive and flashy computer processing unit
PoluOwau: was none other than….*suspenseful pause*
PoluOwau: Simba!
PoluOwau: Ah, yes, the plot thickens
PoluOwau: *suspenseful music*
PoluOwau: yes, it is true that while the dashing young student left the room to go make himself a tasty sandwich
PoluOwau: clever machinations were brewing in the furry little head of Simba, an orange tabby posing as a friendly yet mischievous house cat
PoluOwau: of the domestic nature
PoluOwau: *leaning forward and lowering voice to a whisper*
PoluOwau: you see, it’s a gov’t conspiracy
PoluOwau: *wide eyed*
PoluOwau: they’re out to get us all!
PoluOwau: and it all begins with the simple misconception that all your friends are online
PoluOwau: *looking over shoulder inconspicuously, to check for gov’t eavesdroppers*
PoluOwau: they want you to sit in front of your computer
PoluOwau: so they have slaved away in their labs
PoluOwau: their labs
PoluOwau: and have conjured an innocent looking house cat
PoluOwau: of the domestic nature
PoluOwau: and they have strategically placed these innocent yet mischievous tabby cats in randomly selected households around the world
PoluOwau: still following?
PoluOwau: and these cats are trained to turn on people’s computers and deceive their good friends into sitting in front of their computers
PoluOwau: waiting and waiting
PoluOwau: for their good friends to return their messages
PoluOwau: but…
PoluOwau: all the while, here’s the good part
PoluOwau: They Were Never Really Even There!
PoluOwau: *evil cackle echoing from nowhere*
PoluOwau: so, I ask you again
PoluOwau: are you really there?
PoluOwau: are you sitting on the edge of your impressive leather computer chair
PoluOwau: waiting impatiently for my next sentence of humorous babble
PoluOwau: humorously useless babble
PoluOwau: are you perhaps, sitting there laughing hysterically at how my little mind has concocted such a wild story out of my sheer boredom
PoluOwau: or maybe
PoluOwau: you are actually on the floor, laughing so hard that your eyes are watery, your face is red and your side hurts so bad that you think you must have bust a gut
PoluOwau: or, then again, perhaps you are waiting, waiting patiently like a snake in the grass
PoluOwau: waiting for the moment when I stop babbling
PoluOwau: so you can assume that my mindless rambling is done and you can quickly push that save button
PoluOwau: and place this one-way conversation in the far nether regions of your impressive central processing unit’s memory banks
PoluOwau: then, only then, you will proceed to copy this pointless one-way transmission one a Word document
PoluOwau: next you will probably proceed to print the crazy thoughts that have been so carelessly poured before your size eleven taekwondo mad feet so mercilessly
PoluOwau: and then
PoluOwau: with all the excitement of a four-year-old in a candy store with his first ever allowance in his pocket
PoluOwau: you will then make more copies of this…well you know…
PoluOwau: and then carry on to hand them out to your family for joy reading
PoluOwau: because you guys aren’t really into the show Survivor
PoluOwau: and so with the two hour special tying up all of your family friends
PoluOwau: your family has an extra two hours to spend at leisure
PoluOwau: so you figure what better way to spend it than having family reading time
PoluOwau: and that’s when you bring up the late breaking news that that crazy blonde girl who you brought to visit last weekend happen to have some extra time on her hands
PoluOwau: and desperately wanted to talk to someone
PoluOwau: but because she hasn’t any friends
PoluOwau: she decided to wait and wait for you to come back to your computer to return a message to make her feel better
PoluOwau: so thus was formed the “crazy message of the boredom syndrome conspiracy/machination”
PoluOwau: and with a hearty chuckle you instruct your family to read away and enjoy
PoluOwau: and with that, you spend some lovely bonding time reading away the night with your family
PoluOwau: and that’s where any normal person would end this insanely crazy interlude
PoluOwau: but as we have learned
PoluOwau: I am NOT normal
PoluOwau: *grin*
PoluOwau: Oh, but then again, I am far more normal than the rest of this crazy conspiring world!
PoluOwau: I’m on to you!
PoluOwau: I know that once you wake up the next morning
PoluOwau: once you are at school
PoluOwau: you are going to pull out a crisp clean copy of this message
PoluOwau: and with the papers in hand you are going to book-it to the office
PoluOwau: and you are going to slide in to the doorway, holding out the oh so amusing news crying out “the future of the comic world depends on this message!”
PoluOwau: and the ladies in the school office will ignorantly believe your lament and hastily make millions of copies
PoluOwau: simple because you didn’t have time before class, nor the spare change to go to Kinko’s
PoluOwau: And I know that’s what you are up to Mr.
PoluOwau: because my all knowing power tells me that you have been idle for the past hour and 2 minutes
PoluOwau: and I happen to know that that is how long it takes and office copy machine to make a billion copies
PoluOwau: exactly
PoluOwau: so now in my overwhelming self-consciousness
PoluOwau: I am going to go and pray
PoluOwau: and ride the health rider
PoluOwau: to ward off the ill feeling in my stomach
PoluOwau: because I feel exposed
PoluOwau: all my thoughts and feelings
PoluOwau: frivolously handed out like a cheap concert flyer
PoluOwau: like some English leaflet, handed out on a street corner, next to a run down liquor store advertising a free seat to Cats, the theatrical performance that hand over stayed their welcome in the SF theater two years ago
PoluOwau: the performance that I desperately wanted to see but despite so, I had never managed to fill a seat
PoluOwau: but alas
PoluOwau: I now bid you farewell
PoluOwau: if you are really there