Esprit de l'escalier

Well, like I said in my last entry…my adviser said guys were asked her about me! What’s going on here?!
After work on Monday, Josh intercepted me. He was sitting on the back of his truck waiting for me out back writing me a letter. When he opened the passenger side door for me, there on the seat was a single long stem red rose. I thought to myself “Oh dear, here we go” He’s so sweet, but I just don’t know what to do!
He’s been taking me out a lot lately and I’m really getting worried. He took me to the Spaghetti Factory and then we walked along the water front and sat on a bench and watched the sunset. It would have been totally romantic…but I just wasn’t feeling it.
He on the other hand was a bucket of emotions. I’ve been telling him over and over since we met that I wasn’t interested in being anything other than friends. And he acknowledges that he understands. But he keeps buying me flowers and taking me to dinner! I think the next time he brings me something I’m going to have to turn it down to get the point across. I can’t imagine doing that…it’s going to be really hard.
Anyways, our conversation at the waterfront was really intense. He took my hand in his and kept saying things like “I love how small and soft your hands are Sarah…” and he kept telling me how beautiful I was like a thousand times over! This is the kind of stuff girls dream about…what’s wrong with me?!
He kept saying things like, “Won’t it be great Sarah, I mean…IF we get together…if it’s in the LORD’s will…to be able to…[fill in the blank with some sort of cutesy, coupley thing]” and “We have a special connection Sarah…we communicate…I’m different than other guys, aren’t I?” or “I don’t care if other people think we’re together”
Then as we sat there on the bench, he kept putting his arm around me or resting his head on my shoulder and saying stuff like, “I’ve never poured myself out to a girl like this before Sarah” and “I’ve always wanted to sit like this with a woman…this is special…” and “I hope I can prove to you someday Sarah that I’m a Godly man and I can take care of you…” He also kept asking things like “Do you know how to make home made burritos?” and “would you like to make dinner for me sometime before I leave for Texas?” and other domestic comments like that. And at one point (I don’t recall how we got on the subject) I told him about how when I was little I stopped breathing when I was in my crib and my cat went and got my parents’ attention and led them to me and save my life…and his eyes got red around the edges and he hugged me and I was like “It’s no big deal…I’m alive and well! That was a long time ago” and he said “yea, but you almost died!” and I replied “Not really, it obviously wasn’t in God’s plan…so technically I wasn’t REALLY at any risk…(or something like that)” The point is, he got so emotional about it when I was refering to it all casually. Anyhow, he was constantly seeking affirmation from me and I couldn’t give it to him, because that’s not what I was feeling or what God was telling me. And I told him that!!!
He kept looking at me with such affection…I was scared and I was praying the whole time for the LORD to calm his heart and give me wisdom in the situation. I could tell he was overwhelmed by feelings he hadn’t felt before. There was a moment when I was pulling away and he stopped and said “Let’s pray Sarah…you pray and I’ll pray separately for a while.” I thought to myself…great idea…very very good idea. So he let me go and we were praying and he got down on his knees and put his head to the ground and prayed silently. He was definitely struggling with some heavy feelings that I’m not sure I could understand. But I felt for him and I prayed really really hard right then.
When we finished he seemed a bit more at peace. I put my hand on his shoulder and just gave him a look of reassurance…I couldn’t find words so I was just hoping that he could see what I wanted to say in my eyes.
He put his arm around me and rested his chin on top of my head and I could hear his heart racing and I could feel him shaking and he hugged me tighter. “Wow! This guy is really serious!” I thought to myself. At that point I thought that an out loud prayer wouldn’t hurt, so I just started praying out loud for God to have a hand of peace over Josh’s heart and an encouragement to continue pursuing God’s will. After that I had to pull away and tell him that I needed to get back to finish some work because it was getting late. It was almost 9 by this time. He got up and offered me his arm and I declined. I hope he understood.
When he dropped me off at my room, I stopped and reiterated to him where I was at and I told him that he can’t forget that I’m just a friend and he has to treat me like that…in other words…no more buying me flowers and writing me special letters. And he said “but I like you Sarah…you’re different…” Aye! Lord give me wisdom to know what to do!

In other news, Chris stopped by the other day and we talked for a while. He’s such a sweet guy…although he’s a bit short, but she sure knows how to dress!
Brad called me the other day. He was home for his 10 break before he has to go back to training until the end of July. Last time I heard, he and my dad were getting together for a dinner last week. I’m not sure if they actually were able to do that and I still haven’t had a chance to talk to Brad. He left a voice message saying he would call back later that evening, but I never got the call. *sniffle*
This next week Luke invited me to get together with him to hang out…I’m praying this is just a friend thing because that’s how I’m treating it…but in light of recent events I’m taking extra caution.

*Loreanne I miss you and I can’t wait to come home in three weeks! I need some girl bonding/pampering time and I bet you do too! Jamie you should join us too!