Esprit de l'escalier

Well, I’m at that point. You know…that one where you just feel like throwing in the towel. I’m not sure what to think anymore. Well, actually that’s a lie, I know exactly what I should be thinking…the Bible lays that out pretty clearly, the catch is (as we all know) actually making ourselves think that way.
I’m not sure what really triggered that little outburst…haha. It’s strange actually – I could just attribute that little mood swing to PMS, but that would be a lie. And I’m no good at lying. I tried lying last night when I was talking to my brother. He asked me “what’s wrong?” and I said nothing. He saw right through me. He actually said something like “my brotherly intuition tells me that’s not true. It tells me something is bothering you…”. He’s right. But also, in a twisted way, he’s wrong too. My life this past year has been amazing. I feel like I’ve grown up a lot and I’ve had a gazillion marvelous experiences and I have created tons of great memories. The thing is, along with all the good, I’ve accepted the bad as well. The Lord has helped me deal with all the garbage, but for some reason it keeps creeping back to haunt me. Summer is winding down and I don’t want to return to school with all this stuff hanging over my head.
First of all, as much as I love my brother…I’ve been really frustrated with him. It’s a difficult issue to explain. But I’ll give the run down. He’s in love (that’s great), but in his avid love, he has cut off the rest of the world. He doesn’t talk about anything else and right now he is completely absorbed in getting money and a house so he can marry Heather as fast as possible and they can live happily ever after. There’s nothing wrong with wanting all that stuff, but it’s the way he’s going about it. Last night she stayed over….in his bed. That really really bothered me. I know he’s old enough to make his own decisions, but he knows better. He slept on top of the covers and she was under the covers, but still…you can see where I’m coming from, right? My parents left for New York yesterday, so they don’t know about any of this. Anyhow, to be perfectly honest…I’m sick and tired of hearing about Heather, marriage and whatever else having to do with that. I want my brother to be happy and all. But he needs variety in his life and he needs to give it a rest. He needs to learn to take things day by day, even if what he wants in the future is so close he can taste it. There, I said it. I feel a little bit better, but not much.
Actually, right now I feel terrible. I feel selfish, self-centered and worthless. I know those characteristics may not be true to form all the time, but right now that’s how I feel. I had a great day and from the looks of things I have absolutely nothing to complain about. However, dispite how everything looks…I’m festering inside. I’m not sure yet what it is and I’m digging deep inside myself and searching the Bible and praying…but I haven’t found what it is yet.
I feel like I’m holding something back, and at the same time I still don’t want to talk because I feel like it’s not anything that anyone would want to listen to. People talk, and I listen…that’s just the way it’s always been. I don’t speak my mind unless it’s requested or appropriate. I want to talk to my brother, but he’s so wrapped up in “the world o’ Heather” that he doesn’t really want to listen. He may ask me about stuff, but it’s like he’s just doing that because he feels he has to. Like it’s an obligation, you know? Whenever he knows I’m upset about whatever, he tries to make it better by doing something nice like buy me something cheap at the truck stop for lunch because he knows I haven’t eaten all day. The plot is thick, but I won’t go too much deeper into it. I just am starting to feel used. I have been warned in the past about allowing people to walk all over me, but the inevitable has happened and yet I still manage to walk away feeling guilty for it. I feel guilty for ever expecting something back after helping someone else out. I feel terrible about going out of my way and then going unappreciated. I’m supposed to do what I do out of the goodness of my heart which God has placed in me. Why do I care if “they” don’t care about what I have to say or what I think? Isn’t it good enough that God listens to me? Why do I want more than I deserve? blah, I need to pray and pull myself together. I will try to update on my progress, but in all honesty, I’ll probably get distracted after I pray and I’ll forget about all my mental and physical transgressions. That’s what usually happens…