Esprit de l'escalier

Wow! That had to be the loudest Final VBS Program I have ever experienced! My goodness, I think I’ve gone deaf. Oh well, praise the Lord we are reaching the kids and their parents!

Well, I came rushing home as fast as I could in hopes that you would still be online, but alas..you are gone. Probably still at Bible study or sleeping. I’m anxious to hear about how the study went. It’s usually pretty interesting.
Hmmm, I was thinking…I know, it’s a first for me, but I think I can get used to it. haha. Anyways, I was in fact thinking about stuff. Nothing in particular or new, but simply thinking. I’m a bit scared because of my response to some of the stuff you share with me. I love it when you share what you talked about at Bible study and I love it when you share with me about stuff God has been teaching you, it’s wonderful when you learn something that really influences your life. The thing is, you know how I just say stuff like “wow! THat’s wonderful!”or “Yeah, I know, I’ve heard of that before”. I am truely excited, but I think right now my spiritual rollercoaster is on a downslant. I just don’t feel as excited about the Word as I used to. It’s not that I can’t feel Him working in my life, it’s just that it all seems to be stuff I already know. I believe it was C.S. Lewis in “Mere Christianity” who once said something to the extent of…”Moreso than learning something new, Christians are relearning what they already knew.” At least that’s how I think it went, Don’t quote me on that. But anyhow, it really emphasises what I feel I am struggling through. When you have gone to a Christian school for the past three years, and have gone to church practically everyday of your life, the slums you experience are harder to pull out of, every time you sink into them. What’s worse is that I have no excuse. I know what to do and how to do it. I’ve taught lessons to children about what to do in these cases. I’ve counciled friends who were going through the same thing! So it’s not like I’m ignorant to the fact. I hate it when I almost electronically respond to someone “I know”, when they share something with me that they are all jazzed about. It tears me apart inside when I am reminded of something I learned long ago, and I can feel my heart trying to be excited like everyone else is, or like I know I should be. I feel as though I am letting the Lord God down when I tune out to a sermon that I know I’ve heard a million times before. I know that I should be listening because I may learn something new that I’d never realized before because it may not have applied to my life before that time.
You know what’s almost worse? A few years ago it was me who sat on the outside of this bubble and looked in thinking ‘I’m not going to let that happen to me. I’ve seen its consequences, I’ve seen what it does to the heart.’ I’d spent so much time preparing for a circumstance like this, not ever expecting it to happen, but still preparing for it. And I hang my head in shame when I look at the rut I am in now, not just because it’s where I am, but because I was aware and even alert as it fell upon me. I watched as I fell to this level and I actually thought about it. I thought ‘gee, I should pull myself out before I fall any further, this might get sticky’. Can you beleive that!? Me, I knew better, but I didn’t do anything. But I feel it is all to the Lord’s glory. When I am weak, He is strong. It’s amazing how annoyingly optimistic I can be. But I think that even though I strayed off on the wrong path, perhaps it was in order to retrieve those that the Lord has called and drag them with me as I make my way back to the right path.
I feel though that I still have a lot of cracks in my spirit to mend.

Speaking of cracks. I think I will take this opportunity to tell you a story. I think it’s a sweet story that you might have already heard, but I’ll grace you with it anyway. *smile*
There once was a young boy who worked for a rich man somewhere out in a farming country. Everyday this young boy would walk down a long narrow dirt path to a water well. He would walk down with a large wooden beam across his shoulders that had two bucket on either end of the beam. He would fill both buckets up to the top and then wakl back up the ath to his masters house. But one of the buckets had a crack in it and the water would drip out. And so he would fill both buckets up to the rim, but by the time he got to the house, the perfect bucket would be full but the one with the crack would be only half full. The boy worked this job for four years. The bucket with the crack in it was feeling really bad about this. He felt he wasn’t helping the boy carry the water as good as the perfect bucket that didn’t have a crack. So the cracked pot told the boy one day, as they were fetching water, how he felt. He told him that he felt terrible and worthless and that he felt bad that he wasn’t as good as the other bucket. The boy simply said, ‘I want you to do something’ and the bucket said ‘anything’. The boy said, “I want you to look down at the ground as I walk back up the hill after filling both of you up with water”. So the boy filled both buckets up to the brim and started back up the hill. As he walked the bucket looked down. And he saw all of these beautiful flowers of all colors! Bright and radiant! When they reached the masters house the boy asked the bucket ‘what did you see as you looked down?’. The bucket responded that he saw all sorts of beautiful flowers. The boy said to him, I planted those seeds, and without you and the crack you have, they would never have grown. So the moral of the story is that though we may have our cracks, God can still use a cracked pot to plant seeds and encourage growth.

I love that story, it’s always such an encouragement. Don’t you think? Well, I’m still sitting here, hoping and praying you’ll come online. I’m really glad we get a chance to talk almost everyday, even if it is a slow conversation or whatever. I’m still glad we make that connection. Although, it would be nice if you would sign on, about now.
I hope this satifies a bit of that craving you have to see what I’m thinking and feeling. It’s just that ever since this down slope, I haven’t felt very emotional or very open. I’ve just kinda felt numb. I hate not feeling anything and not having that inspiration. But all I can do is pray and read my Bible and have that quiet time. I will just keep going till God warms me up again and takes away the numbness.

Anyways, I am going to send this to you now and then sit here patiently and wait for you until my parents get home and kick me off. I pray that this small glimpse into my heart will warm the very fibers of your being as though I were there with you, giving you the kisses of reassurance that you so very much deserve. May God enlighten you and grant you wisdom in taking in this great confession. I know you have a lot of wisdom, but I also know that you have a lot of heart, and I know that the two can but heads sometimes. I have felt this clash inside my own body a few times before. Anyways, I want to send this to you now in case you are on the computer but not on AIM. So, here goes nothing.

><>Sarah