http://sarahmadson.com/2005/01/major-revision-critiques-welcome/ I like to write. Sat, 02 Jan 2010 00:39:33 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 http://sarahmadson.com/2005/01/major-revision-critiques-welcome/comment-page-1/#comment-725 trademehalos Wed, 26 Jan 2005 00:20:25 +0000 http://sarahmadson.com/2005/01/major-revision-critiques-welcome/#comment-725 <p>Well, it may be a little late for commentary...but I liked the first version better. It makes the reader intrigued because you don't really know what's going on at first; but, there's enough action to keep the story going without losing interest before you explain Guy's background. </p> <p>This version seemed a little more ordinary. I was thinking Guy was older...out of college maybe, but he and his friend sounded like early year college guys because of "dude" all the time. Then I was thinking, "do guys talk like this on the phone with each other?" I'm not really sure because I'm not a guy...but they always say that they don't call each other just to talk. :P</p> <p>The transition from 2 to 3 was a little abrupt. I think maybe its the way you open it by saying he drove by the field again...making it seem like it's the same night or the next night but it's really years later.<br /> And the ending was sad! Although, it was unexpected, so if you were going for that you got it.</p> <p>I think if you figured out a way to combine both, the story would be a lot better. It would be a fuller more complex version, with everything you wanted to say. But...anyway, I liked reading both and your ability to write a very good and convincing story amazes me every time. (for example, how you came up with Guy's nickname. Or the idea of putting in keychains in the first story...that was interesting. I'm not sure if I would have thought of that aspect of the business, but it was good).</p> Well, it may be a little late for commentary…but I liked the first version better. It makes the reader intrigued because you don’t really know what’s going on at first; but, there’s enough action to keep the story going without losing interest before you explain Guy’s background.
This version seemed a little more ordinary. I was thinking Guy was older…out of college maybe, but he and his friend sounded like early year college guys because of “dude” all the time. Then I was thinking, “do guys talk like this on the phone with each other?” I’m not really sure because I’m not a guy…but they always say that they don’t call each other just to talk.
The transition from 2 to 3 was a little abrupt. I think maybe its the way you open it by saying he drove by the field again…making it seem like it’s the same night or the next night but it’s really years later.
And the ending was sad! Although, it was unexpected, so if you were going for that you got it.
I think if you figured out a way to combine both, the story would be a lot better. It would be a fuller more complex version, with everything you wanted to say. But…anyway, I liked reading both and your ability to write a very good and convincing story amazes me every time. (for example, how you came up with Guy’s nickname. Or the idea of putting in keychains in the first story…that was interesting. I’m not sure if I would have thought of that aspect of the business, but it was good).

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